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The Facts of Life Episode #91 "Store Game" Transcript

(Scene opens with Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Jo, and Tootie in the store)
Jo: Mrs. G, were in trouble here. When you make 36 croissants a day and only sell 3, your business is going down the tubes.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh, were just having a lull.
Tootie: Try a coma.
Jo: I dont know what were doing wrong here, but if we wanna keep flying, we gotta go no frills. You know that fancy, new digital cash register you ordered?
Mrs. Garrett: YesIll cancel it.
Jo: Good. Now come in here and Ill show you the next thing that goes.
Mrs. Garrett: I hate it when things have to go!!!
Jo: Mrs. G
(Jo and Mrs. Garrett walk into the living room)
Jo: That goes.
Mrs. Garrett: You want me to get rid of Natalie?!?!?
Jo: The computer youre renting for $160 a month. We cant afford it.
Natalie: Hey, not so fast! You cant dump Dirk!
Mrs. Garrett: Why do you keep calling the computer Dirk?
Natalie: I told you. At computer camp they old us to develop a personal relationship with our module.
Jo: I dont care if you and your module are engaged. We cant afford a computer.
Mrs. Garrett: But Natalie and I have fed the whole bookkeeping system into Dirk.
Natalie: And our recipes too.
Jo: Fine, but if business doesnt pick up in a week, Dirk dies.
(The bell rings)
Mrs. Garrett: A customer!
(Mrs. Garrett and Jo run into the store. Kelly walks in with a stack of newspapers)
Kelly: Hey Mrs. Garrett. Jo.
Mrs. Garrett: Its only you.
Kelly: Youre that glad to see me?
Mrs. Garrett: Im sorry Kelly, I was hoping for someone with purchasing power.
Kelly: Thatll be me. Soon. Look!
(Shows newspapers)
Blair: Dont tell me. You mugged the paperboy.
Kelly: I am the paperboy. Jo, Ive gone straight. Im working hard for the money. Arent you proud of me?
Jo: Yea, beat it.
Kelly: I know why everybodys so grumpy today. I heard your business is deader than disco.
Tootie: Whered you hear that?
Mrs. Garrett: Its not true! (Laughs) But whered you hear it?
Kelly: Hey, Im wired. Petes Deli, a few blocks over, has been getting all of your customers.
Jo: What?!?!?
Blair: How? Thats a delicatessen. Were a gourmet food shop.
Kelly: Yesterday, Pete put up a new sign. Petes Deli and Gourmet Food Shop.
Jo: I knew it wasnt our fault. Petes moving in on our turf! Im gonna have to go over there and break his knees.
Mrs. Garrett: Jo, leave Petes knees alone. Im sure hes not trying to put us out of business. But Kelly, what is he trying to do?
Kelly: Put you out of business was real close. Whenever a new food place moves into town, Pete copies their product and undersells them.
Tootie: Is this another one of your stories?
Kelly: Yea, but this ones true. When the Armeanean food store opened up here, Pete started selling falafel on a stick. Well, good luck!
(Kelly walks out saying Extra! Extra!)
Mrs. Garrett: Now girls lets not panic. We may be down, but were not out. After all, were catering the Russell wedding this Saturday.
Tootie: Mrs. Garrett, one wedding is not enough.
Blair: My mother shares that view.
Jo: Im gonna go and check this Pete out. Do a little comparison-shopping. Drop a few threats.
Mrs. Garrett: Forget it! Empty threats arent going to solve anything.
Jo: Who says theyre gonna be empty?
Mrs. Garrett: But thats not the answer Jo! Business was good. Maybe I got a little complacent. Ive been relying too much on my personal charm. What we need is some, some dynamic, new, taste thrill.
Blair: Like what?
Mrs. Garrett: Likemy famous Wisconsin cheese puffs! They were the hit of the 1960 State Fair!
Jo: No offense here Mrs. G, but big deal. Pete has got your cash flow down to a slow drip.
Mrs. Garret: Not anymore! You know what they say. When the going gets tough, the tough get cooking! (Winks)
(Mrs. Garrett runs into the kitchen)
Jo: Alright, we got a crisis here and Mrs. G is too nice to handle it. But Im not. We gotta find out Petes next move and stop him.
Tootie: I know how to do it! Garbology!
Jo: Garbology?
Tootie: The scandal sheets use it all the time! They go through celebritys garbage and learn everything about them!
Blair: Thats disgusting!
Tootie: You give me 24 hours in Petes garbage, and Ill tell you everything you need to know about him and a lot more!
Blair: I think Ive got a more sanitary way of getting Petes secrets.
Jo: Well at this point, Ill listen to any idea. Even yours.
Blair: Pete is a man, isnt he? All I have to do it bat my eyelashes, toss my hair, and reduce him to silly putty.
Jo: Just might work Blair. If he doesnt throw up first.

(Commercial cuts in)

(Scene opens with Blair walking into Petes Deli)
Woman: Pete! Are my dozen croissants ready?
Pete: Sure as a cow chews its scud. Here ya go darlin.
Woman: Ooh, I hope these are as good as at Ednas Edibles.
Pete: Oh MamPetes cracker-barrel croissants are to kiss the fingers. Woman: (Laughs)
Pete: Heh, heh, heh. Now listen, let me let in on a little secret. In every fifty of one of these croissants, I went done baked a crisp new ten-dollar bill.
Woman: Really? Then Ill take two dozen!
Pete: You got em! Thank ya kindly! Another dozen frog rolls!
(Woman leaves the counter and bumps into Blair)
Woman: Oh hi! Youre from Ednas Edibles! Ah, I just came in to pick up a few things. I still go to Ednas for all my regular gourmet needs.
Pete: Here ya go sweetheart! Now yall come back soon, ya hear?
Woman: I will! Bye bye!
(Woman exits)
Pete: Soyou are from Ednas Edibles. Well Ill be a busted banjo string. Whats youre name honeypie?
Blair: Blair Warner.
Pete: Blair? You know when I was a little boy I had a pony named Blair. Oh it was the prettiest little horse ya ever did see.
Blair: (Giggles) Thank you!
Pete: I cried for days when my daddy had her shot for glue. So what can I do for ya?
Blair: Well, uhMr. Pete, it seems youre competing in the same market as we are!
Pete: Am I? Well I didnt mean to! I swear I didnt!
Blair: Confess now. Youre selling gourmet foods.
Pete: Well thats true. Aint no denying that. But look here, you people are peddling bratwurst. And that is in deli country.
Blair: Tell you what. Well stop selling bratwurst, if you stop selling croissants.
Pete: Well I dont know. It seems like were working both sides of the creek in the catering business too.
Blair: Well, we can fix that. What if you cater all the cookouts and picnics you want, and well stick to all the weddings and more formal functions.
Pete: Boy I bet you cook up some specials eats for those fanciful functions, dont you?
Blair: Ill say. For the Russell wedding this weekend, were even making Ednas special cheese puffs.
Pete: Woody Russells kid getting hitched? Ah, I remember when she was in pigtails and patent leather. (Laughs) Cheese puffs? Wellangelface, you make a lot of sense. You got yourself a deal.
Blair: Really?
Pete: Uh-huh.
Blair: I must admit. Youre a lot more reasonable than I thought you were gonna be.
Pete: Well thank you! I reckon. (laughs) Yall come back soon, ya hear?
Blair: ByePete!
(Blair exits)
Pete: (Picks up the phone and dials) Woody Russell? Pete Dawson Here. Oh cant complain. Listen Woody, whats this I hear about you hiring Ednas Edibles to cater little Shellys wedding? You do remember a couple years back dont ya Woody when I pulled you out from under that burning truck. Yea I thought maybe you would. Alright go ahead.
(Scene changes to Ednas Edibles with Mrs. Garrett, Jo, and Blair in the shop. Mrs. Garrett is on the phone)
Mrs. Garrett: OHHHHH!!! OOOOOOH! (phone) I dont believe it! Woody Russell just gave my wedding job to Petes Deli!
Jo: What?!?!? Why would he change his mind?
Mrs. Garrett: Seems like old Pete pulled him out from under a truck. Id love to SHOVE him back under there!!!
Jo: (Towards Blair) How would Pete find out about the wedding?
Mrs. Garrett: Alright Pete, no more Edna nice guy. Oh no. I got to get those cheese puffs off of the backburner, and into the oven.
(Mrs. Garrett walks into the kitchen)
Blair: I better go help her!
Jo: I repeat! How did he find about the wedding? Blair!
Blair: You mean, you actually think I told him?
Jo: Yea.
Blair: Ok, I told him. It just slipped out! The man is deceiving and, flattering. He told me I reminded him of his pony.
Jo: Which end? What else, slipped out?
Blair: Nothing
Jo: Nothing!
Blair: NothingThat I can remember.
Jo: Blair, that wedding was gonna keep us open another month, now, I dont know what were gonna do.
Blair: I do. Im going back over to Petes deli and spy on his every move. And this time, I guarantee you, he will not make a fool of Blair Warner.
Jo: Why? You gonna change your name?
Blair: Maybe
(Tootie come in the shop)
Jo: Where you been?
Tootie: Investigating.(starts to walk by Jo)
Jo: Whoa, wait a minute, what is that smell?
Tootie: (Innocently) I dont smell anything.
Jo: Its you, youre a little ripe.
Tootie: Well, Ive been through Petes garbage.
Jo: Yea? Whatd you find?
Tootie: Garbage.
(Nat enters)
Nat: You guys Ive got somethin to-wow did someone die in here?
Jo: Tootie was in the trash.
Nat: Werent there any leaves to play in?(short pause while audience laughs) you guys, follow me, Dirk and I have something big to show you!
Jo: Alright, Nat, but this better be good. Im in a bad mood, and Tootie smells!
Natalie: Ok. What do you think?
Tootie: About what?
Natalie: This is Petes data.
Jo: Petes data? What are you talking about?
Natalie: Pete has a computer. And Dirk and I broke through!
Tootie: Natalie! Thats invasion of privacy!
Natalie: What do you call going though a guys garbage?
Jo: What kind of information do ya got here?
Natalie: Oh everything! His books, his orders. Heres his croissant recipe. Oh look, he misspelled croissant! (Types on the keyboard) But Ill fix that! See, I just correct the word, connect to Petes computer, press delete, and save, and all better.
Jo: Hold it, you mean you can change anything around on his program just like that?
Natalie: Sure, what?
Jo: Do you mean that we can change numbers and screw up his orders and his recipes?
Natalie: Piece of cake.
Jo: Yea, screw up his cake too! Move over Nat!
(Jo Sits down at the computer)
Tootie: Jo, youre tampering with his computer! Thats against the law!
Jo: Look, if things keep going the way theyre going, Mrs. G. is gonna to be out of business and were gonna be out on the street. At least now we have the weapon to fight back. Alright Dirk, lets get to work. What do we do Nat?

(Commercial cuts in)

(Mrs. G comes into the living room and the girls stand against the screen)
Mrs. G: STOP WHAT youre doing. (the girls jump) I want you to take my first batch of Wisconsin cheese puffs. (girls sigh) Well? What do you think?
Jo: Very cheesy.
Tootie: Very Puffy.
Nat: VeryWisconsiny.
Mrs. G: VERY GOOOOOOD! Well, go back and do what you were doingwhat were you doing.
Tootie: Uhh, playing a video game.
Mrs. G: Which one?
Nat: Its called Bag lady. You zoom through the universe collecting string.
(Mrs. G leaves)
Jo: Okay Nat, get Petes data back. (laughs) I wanna sabotage his potato salad.
Natalie: Uhhold it, somethings wrong. Jo, howd you shut off Dirk?
Jo: I dunno. I just started pressing buttons.
Natalie: Everything on his disk has disappeared! Youve erased it!
Jo: Well, I was almost through anyway.
Natalie: Jo you erased it for good. If Pete tries to call on one of his recipes, hell be starring at a blank screen.
Tootie: Well now youve done it! I read in Newsweek about some kids who got in trouble about this kind of thing.
Natalie: Great, maybe well make the cover of Prison Life.
(They stare at the computer trying to find a way to fix it. Scene changes to the shop with Mrs. Garrett, Natalie, Blair, Tootie, and Jo)
Woman: Oh these cheese puffs are wonderful! Ill take a dozen.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh you wont be sorry! So uh, you wouldnt call the Russell wedding a total success?
Woman: If I called it a total failure, Id be kind.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh
Woman: Little Shelly was pretty enough but the food was the pits.
Mrs. Garrett: Really?
Woman: Oh Edna, I could have made a better spinach suflette. It tasted like Pete made up the recipes as he went along!
Mrs. Garrett: (laughs) Oh Im so sorry to hear that. Well its good to see you again and have a nice day! (laughs)
(A cop enters the shop)
Cop: Hi Mrs. Garret. Girls. Hows life in the food lane?
Mrs. Garrett: Officer Ziachons. What a pleasant surprise.
Cop: Pleasant for me too. This is the tastiest stop on my route.
Mrs. Garrett: Now that you mention it, why not taste one of our freshly baked cheese puffs.
Cop: Thats why I mentioned it, thanks. (eats one) mmm
Natalie: It is so nice to have our neighborhood police officer drop by on a purely sociable visit.
Cop: Yea, Ill have to try that sometime. but, right now Im here to lay this silly summons on you.
Mrs. Garrett: Summons?
Cop: Afraid so. Chief wants you to come down to the station and discuss some charges Pete Dawson made against you.
Mrs. Garrett: I dont understand. What have I done wrong?
Cop: I gotta deal with the chief. I dont conduct investigations and he doesnt sleep in my patrol car. He did say something about computer tampering.
Mrs. Garrett: Computer tampering?
Cop: Yea. Knowing you, its gotta be a mistake, right? I mean you wouldnt do anything that could get you to the big house would you?
Mrs. Garrett: Of course not. Its ridiculous. Its outrageous.
Cop: Thats what I thought. Be there in an hour, okay? Ohprimo puffs.
(Cop exits the shop)
Tootie: (Towards Jo) Mrs. Garretts being arrested! I hope youre happy! (Towards Mrs. Garrett) This wasnt my idea! Im innocent!
Natalie: And Im fairly innocent! I just wanted to take a peek at Petes data, not tamper with it.
Mrs. Garrett: Yea, well the three of you better start explaining, fast.
Jo: Oh look, he had it coming. All I wanted to do was use our computer and screw up his recipes.
Mrs. Garrett: Thats all you wanted to do?
Jo: Yea! I mean wiping out his whole program was an accident.
Mrs. Garrett: You wiped out his program?!?!?
Natalie: Mrs. Garrett, under the circumstances I think were more to be pitied at than to be yelled at.
Mrs. Garrett: What you did was a crime!
Natalie: I could be wrong.
Mrs. Garrett: We are going right to Petes Deli and beg him to drop those charges.
Jo: I am not gonna beg that sleaze. I would rather face the charges
Mrs. Garrett: I dont care what you rather do! Im in charge here! Get your coat! MARCH!
(Scene changes to Petes Deli)
Pete: You gonna really enjoy Old Petes coleslaw buddy boy. Well its been named the official side order of the 1984 Olympics!
(Mrs. Garrett and Jo walk in)
Pete: Yall come back soon now, ya hear? (Towards Mrs. Garrett) Well now, what can I do for you two lovely specimens of feminine folkertude?
Mrs. Garrett: (laughs) Hello Mr. Dawson. Im Edna Garrett. From Ednas Edibles?
Pete: My lawyer will speak with your lawyer. Out of my store. Shoo, now shoo!
Jo: You got it. Come on Mrs. G
Mrs. Garrett: Jo! Oh please Mr. Dawson, give us a chance. I want to apologize. Jo here just got carried away with the spirit of competition. (laughs) Didnt you Jo?
Jo: It wasnt competition. It was self-defense!
Pete: I dont care what you call it, you going to have to pay the piper! Now skeedattle.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh please Mr. Dawson! If I had known about any of this, I would have put a stop to it! But now that I do know, I assure you, it is stopped!
Pete: Oh really? Then why did you call Madame Harry here?
Mrs. Garrett: Well I dont know who she is! (laughs) Blair
Blair: Hi there
Jo: Blair, what are you doing in there?
Blair: Its a disguise! I couldnt very well spy as myself.
Pete: I will see the three of you down at the police station now scat!
(Natalie and Tootie enter)
Natalie: Excuse us, uhespecially her.
Pete: Great day in the morning, something is really clearing my sinuses.
Tootie: Im proud to say its me. I made one last pass at his garbage, and it really paid off!
Pete: Wait a minute, what were you doing down there? That is private garbage.
Tootie: Exhibit A. Mrs. Garretts secret cheese puff recipe. Ive also got her apple strudel and her pasta salad here.
Natalie: Printed out by Petes computer. Hes been using his to break into ours for weeks.
Mrs. Garrett: Soyouve been stealing my recipes! No wonder your business is (holds nose) booming.
Jo: Well, it looks like I wont be the only one paying the piper. Cmon, lets go down to the station.
Pete: Now lets just hold it a minute. Theres no need to involve the police. Id like to settle this amicably.
Mrs. Garrett: I reckon you would. (Winks) Wouldnt you? Looks like we got you over the cracker-barrel now.
Pete: Mrs. Garrett, Mrs. Garrett, perhaps I was a bitoverzealous. Let me make you a proposal. I will not press any charges if you dont press.
Mrs. Garrett: Under the circumstances, I think its a fair solution. Anything to end this war.
Pete: Well the wars not quite over yet. You see, the South will rise over again. Im planning on bringing out a new line of Tennessee cheese puffs.
Mrs. Garrett:You just do what you want. Im not afraid of you.
Jo: Yea, we can be just as sleazy as you are.
Mrs. Garrett: No we cant! I dont like the way he runs his business and I gotta like the way I run mine,
Jo: But we gotta get tough!
Mrs. Garrett: I AM tough. Dont worry. People will always come back for the best. And we got it.
Pete: Im gonna rip through your best like Sherman ripped through Georgia,
Mrs. Garrett: Oh well see about that. Lets go girls.
Pete: Youre gonna end up giving your croissants away to the birds.
Mrs. Garrett: Youre croissants are FOR the birds.
Pete: You gettin me riled woman.
Mrs. Garrett: Tough.
Pete: When I get through with you, aint gonna be nothing but a grease spot on the floor.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh are you talking about your cooking again?
Pete: Im gonna bury you!!!
Mrs. Garrett: Better bury your coleslaw dear. (laughs)

(Closing Credits)