"The Facts of Life" Episode #141 "Come Back to the Truck Stop, Natalie Green, Natalie Green"
(Bernies Truck Stop Café)
(Natalie walks through the front door with parts of a bike)
(Stand by your Man plays in the background)
Natalie: Thank you, oh, excuse me.
Natalie: Somebody might want to take it for a joy ride.
(Drops the bike to pick up the phone)
Natalie: Hello, Oh, Blair its so good to hear your (pauses) recorded voice; okay here it is in thirty-seconds or less.
Natalie Green on the road is a bust, Im coming home thats all, oh, and about your bike I had it modified, bye.
(Hangs up phone and takes a seat at the counter)
Natalie: Ill have some (Waitress pours coffee)coffees fine.
(Natalie writes in her journal)
Natalie: (Writing) Day 9 of my journey to nowhere, been trying to find people to write about, arrived in Philly this morning,
ate breakfast at the 5th Street Mission.
Natalie: Excuse me but, this must be a really interesting place to work, lots of exciting things happening?
Waitress: Had a storm last year, knocked out all the power lines.
Natalie: A power failure, great people trapped, panic breaks out, man against man.
Waitress: The meat went bad.
Natalie: (Thinking) Theres got to be a story in here somewhere.
Truck driver: What you holding, Bill?
Bill: Pine board, you?
Truck driver: Fertilizer.
Natalie: Scratch the trucker story.
Natalie: Whens the next bus to Peekskill?
Bill: Waitress, how bout it, huh?
Natalie: (Thinking) Four hours what am I going to do in this dive for four hours?
(Takes a sip of coffee)
Natalie: (Thinking) I could give it another shot, cmon Green youre a writer, so write, start with something basic like
a word, okay to big a jump, try a letter. A. No, this is going nowhere, okay Green whats the first rule of writing; write
about something you know.
Bill: Hey lady, you call this coffee? I wouldnt wash the floor with this!
Natalie: (Thinking) That was rather insulting.
Waitress: Ill get you another cup.
Natalie: (Thinking) Another cup, is she kidding? Id like to see him try it with Jo.
(Jo walks into the diner disguised as a waitress working for the diner)
Jo: Did you ask for cream?
(Jo pours the saucer of cream on the truck drivers head)
(Man gets up)
Jo: Oh, Im so sorry; the top mustve been loose.
Bill: How would you like if I just drove my rig right through your front door?
Jo: I hope he trips and falls on his head.
Natalie: (Thinking) You got it. (Writes in her Journal)
(Bill bumps into the Jukebox and falls onto the fall)
Jo: Must be my lucky day.
Natalie: (Writing) She was a gutsy brunette, her name was Jo-AnnJo-Ann
Jo: Burger (Passes it towards a customer)
Jo: You want something?
Natalie: Uh, a hamburger.
(Jo takes it away from the customer and gives it to Natalie)
Jo: Anything else?
(Jo pours ketchup into another bottle)
Natalie: Uh no, so you been doing this long?
Jo: Nah, just sort of came to me, always been good at my hands.
Natalie: I meant waitressing, how long have you been a waitress?
Jo: All my life.
Natalie: You must be tired of it, after all of these years.
Jo: Nah, I got no complaints.
Natalie: But deep down you still got dreams, right?
Jo: You know, I got the same dreams everybody has; I want to be a beautician.
(Commercial) (Opening Credits)
(Blair is sitting down at the counter disguised as an old-fashioned feathered beauty)
Natalie: (Writing) Thats better, she was regal, refined and there was something the way she moved, every gesture calculated,
every move, perfection, no to perfect, nobody will like her, she had one tiny endearing flaw, she was a tad clumsy.
(Blair drops her lipstick)
Natalie: (Writing) But the question remained, who was the mystery woman what was she doing at Bernies, she was looking
for something, but what? A diamond tiara, micro film, been done, its gotta be something unexpected.
Blair: Could you pass the sugar?
(Natalie gives her the sugar)
Natalie: (Thinking) Wasnt expecting that, there must be more.
(Natalie walks over to her)
Natalie: Hi, Im Natalie, Natalie Green any your (pauses) fond of sugar.
(Blair pours sugar all over her coffee cup)
Natalie: By the way, nice dress, it must be worth a fortune.
Blair: It costs more than you can imagine.
Natalie: Oh, thats good, so you come her often, I guess you rather be alone.
(Blair pours even more sugar into her cup)
Natalie: Maybe we can play a game; Ill call it twenty questions.
Blair: Games, I played them all, and there are no winners.
Natalie: Feel free to elaborate.
Blair: I would, but I wont.
Natalie: Got it, another dead end, you dont have much traffic here.
Jo: No, not since they closed the airstrip.
(A thundering airplane comes to a roar as it settles down to a stop)
(Tootie walks in disguised as an air pilot)
Tootie: Thats the last time I buy spark plugs on the black market.
(Tootie sits down at a booth)
Natalie: (Writing) Now were talking story, Trudy Hathaway adventurer extraordinaire, free spirit, living on the edge.
Jo: Do you want something?
Tootie: You got something to cut the dust?
Tootie: Something stronger.
Tootie: Ill take it.
Natalie: (Writing) Aviast, stunt pilot, part of a lost freedom, rugged individualist.
(Tootie puts her feet up on the table)
Natalie: Looks like youve come a long way, oh; I bet thats foreign soil.
Tootie: Amazon River mud.
Natalie: Dont tell me, youve just flown in from a safari in the jungles of South America?
Tootie: Youve guessed it, we were heading down river where the shipment of medical supplies for the Pigmies.
Jo: The Pigmies are from Africa.
(Jo pushes Tooties feet off the table)
Tootie: I was misinformed, boy was I desperate and it was a rescue mission.
Jo: Really? Who did you rescue?
Tootie: You know I was just trying to remember that, but someone popular, a diplomat or something.
(Jo jumps onto the booth)
Jo: Pearl Bailey.
Tootie: No, it was someone more international.
Blair: The Queen Mum.
(Blair joins the girls on the booth)
Natalie: Hold it folks.
Tootie: It wasnt the head of state.
Blair: Julio Inglesias
Tootie: Someone more influenced.
Natalie: Would you give me a minute to think, please?
Jo: Princess Diana.
Tootie: In a compromising situation.
Blair: Princess Diana and Julio Inglesias.
Natalie: Thats believable we got a truck stop, a skit so pilot, the woman in red, all I need is for Charo to walk through
(Music plays as Charo walks in and Sings)
(The girls sing along and dance along with her)
Natalie: Whoa, guys, you cant do this.
Charo: Come on honey, use your body.
Tootie: Come on honey, join the party.
Natalie: Im in charge here, youre my characters you have to do what I say, dont make me do something I dont want to do,
(Natalie points gun a Charo)
Natalie: Thats it, you, out.
Charo: (Talks in foreign language)
Natalie: Out of my story.
Charo: (Talks in foreign language)
Natalie: Now, goodbye.
(Charo dances out of the diner)
Jo: Where did you get that gun?
Natalie: I found it on the floor, this yours?
Blair: Course not, look the owners names are printed right on it Smith & Wesson.
Tootie: Thats the manufacturers.
Natalie: Gimme that, you know what I think? I think one of you brought the gun here tonight and planned to use it.
Blair: For what?
Jo: To shoot people.
Blair: A murder here? Thats ridiculous.
Jo: No, not really, murders happen all the time. (Laughs at Blair)
Natalie: Now the question is, who is the killer and who is the victim and what is the motive?
Tootie: Well, until you come up with one there is no motive, because there is no killer.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Tootie: Because there is no bullets.
Blair: Are no bullets.
Tootie: Put this in lost and found. (Gives the gun to Jo)
Natalie: But there could be a good reason. Somebody could of took the bullets out.
Jo: Now thats pretty lame.
Tootie: Sounds stupid to me.
Blair: I wouldnt buy that.
Natalie: Give me a minute.
Jo: Alright, but thats all. (Takes out an hourglass)
Blair: When does the next bus arrive?
Jo: Right about now.
Natalie: Looking for something?
Blair: I just found it.
Natalie: Youre going?
Blair: Give me a good reason to stay.
Tootie: Engine should be cooled by now, fly time.
Jo: Yeah, you should pay up, I gotta close.
Natalie: Cmon guys were just starting to cook.
Blair: Keep in touch.
Natalie: Wait youre not going!
Jo: Why not?
Natalie: Because, because the bridge is washed out.
Jo: Thats ridiculous, its not even raining outside.
(It starts to pour outside as rain clash from the sky)
(George walks in disguised as a bus driver)
George: Excuse me, ladies, any of you waiting for my bus?
George: Well, its going to be awhile the bridge is out, I cant figure it, it was clear as a bell a minute ago.
George: Sure Ill go for anything one.
Tootie: Yup, those flash floods can strike like that; I was in China once and monster moon hit early.
Blair: No more stories, Im not spending another hour in this whole in a wall; Ill pay you $200 dollars to fly me out of
here. (Blair gets out her checkbook)
Tootie: You got a deal.
Natalie: Except the check is no good.
Blair: You couldnt know that.
George: She was right about the bridge.
Tootie: Well, thats all right, you can owe it to me, I can use the company, gets lonely up there at 30,000 feet. I was
flying over Tokyo once and I fell asleep at the controls.
Natalie: Youre not flying anywhere, since visibility is zero.
(Blair sets down her checkbook)
Tootie: It is?
Blair: Is it?
(Blair and Tootie look out the window as a foggy glow floats outside)
Tootie: I dont know, I cant see a thing.
(Tootie opens the door as fog comes streaming inside)
Natalie: I guess youre all stuck here until the storm blows over.
Jo: Coffee anyone?
Natalie: (Writing) The arrival of the lady in red at Bernies was no accident. She had been waiting a long time for something,
something very important, like a letter.
(Letter shoots out from the slot in from the door)
Natalie: (Writing) Could the letter contain a secret? A secret she was determined to keep.
Tootie: Do you see the police?
(Blair falls onto the ground to pick-up the letter)
Blair: The police?
Tootie: See if they got every breath you take.
Jo: Whats that?
Blair: Whats what?
(Blair holds the letter in the palm of her hand)
(Jo takes the letter from her hand)
Jo: A letter. Hmmm I cant make out who its addressed to.
Blair: Thats because its addressed to
(Natalie reaches for the letter)
Natalie: Jo-Ann Burger from a law office.
(Natalie hands the letter to Jo)
Jo: Oh, must be about that food poisoning suit.
(Jo opens the letter and starts scanning at it)
Jo: I dont believe this.
Tootie: What, what?
Jo: Its gotta be some kind of joke.
Jo: Well, it says here, that I have inherited the sum of 1,000,000 from the estate of the late Sir Regional hunter.
(Blair looks around in surprise)
George: I love it; its a classic Cinderella story, poor waitress one minute, millionaire the next, I love twist endings.
Tootie: Does he have to be here?
Natalie: No, but he looks cute in a uniform.
Jo: Hunter regional hunter?
Blair: Sir Regional hunter. Financiers, Playboy jetsetter, ring a bell? Its a simple case of mistaken identity. Burger
is a common name.
Tootie: Yeah, I mean shes right, who would he want to leave his fortune to a perfect stranger?
Blair: Im going to the post office; Ill just go drop it off.
(Blair tries to take the letter but Jo wont budge)
Jo: Wait a minute it wouldnt be Reggie, no, no he had holes in his shoes, weeks worth of stubble.
Natalie: Whos Reggie?
Jo: Uh, real screwball came in one night, caught trouble or something, he asked me not to call him Sir.
Tootie: So what happened?
Jo: Gave him a slice of pie and coffee.
Tootie: Maybe he forgot to leave a tip.
(Jo walks towards the counter)
Jo: Oh, he started to talk about his daughter.
(Blair walks towards Jo)
Blair: I cant believe were going on with this.
Natalie: What about his daughter?
(Blair feels a bit uncomfortable)
Jo: Well, he said how, he gave her everything and how she just wasted it on frivolous things, so I said you cant appreciate
a good omelet until you hatched one yourself. (Looks at camera) I got a lot of good lines like that.
Tootie: What were you doing with that womans letter?
Blair: This is absurd, Im leaving.
(Blair walks in front of Tootie while a wallet accidentally falls out of her pocket)
(Tootie hold the long line of pictures in her wallet and holds them out so everybody can see)
Tootie: Get a load of this. (Tootie passes it to Jo)
Jo: Blair Hunter.
(Blair looks embarrassed)
Natalie: Looks like we found our spoiled daughter.
Jo: So, came her to steal my fortune, huh?
(Blair pushes Tootie out of the way)
Blair: You dont deserve my fathers money. I have a reputation to live up to, above all credited at Bloomies, what would
I do without money.
Tootie: You must have some skills.
Blair: I can curtsey, wanna see?
(George comes out disguised in an apron with a jar of olives)
Tootie: I thought you were the bus driver?
George: Your right, I was.
Natalie: Relax, youre moonlighting.
George: Im moonlighting. (Laughs)
Blair: Give me that will, Im Mexican, its a matter of blood, yours. (Points to Jo)
(Jo walks to the other side of the counter)
(Blair picks up a pork chop thinking its a gun)
Natalie: Oh, thats a pork chop.
(Blair looks at it in surprise)
Blair: My mistake. (Blows at the hole and takes out a real gun) give me that will.
Jo: So tampering with my mail wasnt serious enough, huh? Now youre going to add murder?
(Blair points the gun at Jo while bobbing back and forth)
Blair: I nearly died when they told me Daddy wouldnt leave me innocent. I had to find out who was getting my money so
I bribed the executor and he told me about the letter, now Im going to get what I deserve.
Natalie: What about the body?
Blair: It will be dead.
Jo: You dont have the guts to shoot me; you dont even know how to use that thing.
(Blair pulls the handle)
Jo: Anybody can be wrong.
Tootie: Forgot one thing. (Takes gun) The guns not loaded.
(Blair talks to Natalie desperately to save her character)
Blair: Do something; Im not the creep here.
Natalie: Youre a nasty villain, you deserve it.
Blair: I never thought it would come to murder, I wasnt against it, I just never thought of it. I simply wanted to destroy
the will before you got it.
(Blair knocks into the door and falls back into it, then walks back and shuts the door)
Blair: I guess daddy was right, go ahead keep the money, I never deserved it.
Jo: If youre looking for sympathy
Blair: Its just a small loan, say 50,000.
Tootie: Well, I hate to break up the party. (Holds a gun)
Blair: Is this some kind of a joke?
(Tootie fires the bullet towards the ceiling)
Jo: Guess not.
Tootie: You were obsessed with someone being ahead of you on the will, you forgot to look behind you.
Blair: You rescued my father in Pago, Pago?
Tootie: It wasnt exactly Pago, Pago it was Pakipsy, I accidentally dropped a load of DDT on him.
Jo: Youre a crop duster?
Tootie: What of it?
Jo: Its a very important job, thank you for doing it.
Tootie: I landed my plane on the highway and after a little mouth to mouth he was retrieved in no time.
Blair: And for that you get my fortune?
Tootie: You squandered his money, you gave him a slice of pie, I saved his life, I deserve the 1,000,000 bucks.
Blair: You saved his life? You nearly poisoned himself to death.
Tootie: Ah, a little DDT never killed anybody, hut this has. (Looks at the gun)
Jo: You might get one of us, you might even get two of us, but youll never get all three.
Blair: Two is bad enough.
Tootie: Stand back.
Blair: We can make a deal, bump her off, split the fortune.
(Jo hits the letter on her side)
Blair: Cmon shes just a hick waitress from the boom dock, who would miss her?
Jo: Yeah, you could turn me into Swiss cheese, but you still wouldnt get your fortune.
Tootie: Why not?
(Jo takes the gun from Tootie)
Jo: Because Im not a waitress.
Blair: Then who are you?
Jo: Im a cop.
(Jo shows her badge behind the inside of her sweater)
Tootie: If youre a cop, then whos the waitress?
(Mrs. Garrett walks in from the kitchen with a batch of cookies disguised as a waitress)
Mrs. Garrett: Hello, anyone for chocolate chips.
Blair: You mean shes a waitress?
Natalie: Im surprised as you are.
Tootie: Wait, yo, time out, how, why are you here, who hired you?
Jo: I was retained by the hunter of state to protect the real Jo-Ann burger.
(Jo stands by Mrs. Garrett)
Blair: You mean that whole waitress thing was an act?
Jo: 100% Ad lib.
Natalie: Not a bad performance.
(Mrs. Garrett drinks the coffee)
Mrs. Garrett: Youre lucky this coffee didnt blow your cover.
Mrs. Garrett: Have a cookie.
(Blair reaches out for a cookie and tries it)
Blair: These are really good.
Mrs. Garrett: Your father thought so, well, I guess youve all learned a very valuable lesson about greed.
Tootie: Easy for you to say, you got the 1,000,000 bucks.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh, I dont care about the money; Im just trying to decide what charity to give it to.
(Jo takes the letter from Mrs. Garrett while she points the gun at her, Mrs. Garrett raises both hands)
Jo: Let me help you.
Mrs. Garrett: This is very disappointing.
Blair: But youre a police officer.
(Jo points the gun at Blair)
Jo: Yeah and you know how much cops make.
Tootie: Well now, is that gross or take home?
Jo: Its rhetorical now I can take that long vacation I always wanted; I may go see Pago, Pago, Its a brilliant crime,
its perfect you have to admit its perfect.
(Natalie takes the letter from Jo)
Natalie: Except theres one tiny flaw. (Open up the letter) Reggie forgot to sign the check.
(Girls look surprise and ashamed)
Mrs. Garrett: Oh, well, its only money. (Rips the check up) (Takes the gun from Jo) What you could all use is some real
Blair: Not for me, Im leaving.
Tootie: Yeah, me too.
Jo: The check wasnt signed, Im not buying that.
Tootie: I liked the ending. (Pats Natalie on the shoulders) Inspired, but I deserve the money.
Jo: No, see everything else, I loved, but the ending, I still dont buy it.
Blair: But you were very believable.
Jo: Oh yeah, oh so were you.
Mrs. Garrett: Was my entrance right, I had to balance all those cookies and everything.
(Mrs. Garrett and Tootie put there arms around each other and leave)
Natalie: And they who had met by chance went elsewhere to seek their fortunes. The End. Oh wait a minute.
(George comes in disguised in a sailor suit walks over to Natalie and takes hat off, kisses Natalie, hat is thrown back,
and he leaves)
Natalie: The End.
Waitress: Will there be anything else?
Natalie: No thank you, please.
(Waitress hands the check to Natalie and she gives her a tip)
Natalie: You know, youve got one happening place here.
(Natalie takes her back-pack and walks past the sign. The sign is flipped around while credits are shown and Stand by
your Man is sung.)