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The Facts of Life "The New Girl: Part One" Episode #14

Scene One

(Int. Dining Hall)

[Natalie is at the counter searching for food. She takes a donut. Tootie enters.]

Tootie: Natalie!
Natalie: Tootie!

[They hug.]
Tootie: Boy, did I miss you. Is this where were supposed to get our room assignments?
Natalie: I guess so. How was summer camp?

[Tootie pulls shorts out of her purse.]

Tootie: This ought to answer that question.
Natalie: A boys bathing suit?
Tootie: I was on a panty raaaaaid.
Natalie: No? Who was in this when you got it?
Tootie: No body. That would spoil all the fun.
Natalie: Tootie, you still have a lot to learn.

[Blair enters.]

Blair: Natalie! Tootie!

[They hug.]

Blair: Ive missed you so much.
Natalie: Look at you. Uglier than ever.
Tootie: I dont believe what I see; Blair Warner with only one suitcase.
Blair: What do you mean? This is just for my make-up. My wardrobe is coming later in the truck.
Natalie: Did you hear about Mrs. Garretts new job? Shes been promoted to school dietitian.
Tootie: Wow. What an honor. Running a whole barf-ateria.

[Arnold runs in carrying a lobster. Mrs. Garrett is chasing behind him.]

Mrs. Garrett: Arnold! Come back here! Arnold!

[They are now on the opposite ends of the counter.]

Mrs. Garrett: Youve got to give the cook back his lobster.
Arnold: No bodys going to boil my friend Claude. Hes too cute to die.
Mrs. Garrett: Cute? With those beady little eyes and all those wiggly claws.
Arnold: Mrs. Garrett, you just insulted my pet. Claude, Id cover your ears but I dont know where they are.
Mrs. Garrett: All right Arnold. Thats enough...

[Natalie taps her on the shoulder.]

Mrs. Garrett: Natalie! [They Hug] Blair! Tootie! [They hug] Youve grown!
Blair: Youre so thin!
Tootie: Yeah what happened to the other half of you?
Mrs. Garrett: Ive lost 25 big ones.
Blair: You look terrific. How did you lose it?
Mrs. Garrett: Its the new inflation diet. You eat what you can afford.
Tootie: Hi Arnold. What are you doing up here?
Arnold: Ah Tootie. Its about time youve noticed me.
Mrs. Garrett: Yeah well schools out for a couple days in the city, so my boyfriend came up to pay me a visit.
Arnold: Ah cool it Mrs. Garrett. Tootie might get the idea that Im not available. Which I definitely am. [to Tootie] Would you like to help me feed my friend Claude?
Tootie: Sure. Okay.
Arnold: Good. Maybe you can help me find its mouth.

[Tootie and Arnold exit.]

Blair: What has gotten into Arnold?
Mrs. Garrett: Well youve had biology. Figure it out.

[There is a loud sound from outside.]

Mrs. Garrett: What on Earths going on out there?

[She goes to the window.]

Mrs. Garrett: Sounds like a wild bunch.

[Jo enters with helmet on.]

Jo: Uh, is this where Im supposed to be?
Blair: Delivery boys usually use the rear entrance.
Jo: Delivery boy? Give me a break.

[She takes off her helmet showing that she is a girl.]

Jo: Is this where Im supposed to check in?
Blair: [laughing] I dont believe this.
Natalie: You dont? I was going to ask him to the fall dance.

[Jo lunges at Natalie.]

Mrs. Garrett: Hi. Im Mrs. Garrett, the school dietitian. You must be Jo, the new student.
Jo: Right. How did you know?
Mrs. Garrett: Easy. Ive never seen a motorcycle parked in my flowerbed before.
Jo: Oh. I thought they were weeds.
Blair: She must think were into nostalgia. Shes still wearing flared jeans.
Jo: Uh in a minute, youre going to be wearing flared teeth.

[Mrs. Garrett steps between them.]

Mrs. Garrett: Wait, wait, wait. Dont punch a total strange. Introduce yourselves first.
Natalie: Hi. Im Natalie Green. And I wear flared jeans myself. In fact, all my clothes are flared.
[Jo doesnt laugh.]
Mrs. Garrett: Blair
Blair: Blair Warner.

[They shake hands.]

Jo: Charmed. Gloria Vanderbilt.

[Blair gets mud from Jos hand onto hers.]

Jo: Oh. Yeah. Your hands dirty. You better go have it steamed cleaned or something.
Blair: Why you little
Mrs. Garrett: Speaking of dormitory assignments.
Blair: Huh?
Mrs. Garrett: Well theyre up on the bulletin board. I thought you might like to see who youre rooming with.

[Blair and Natalie run into the living room area and look at the board.]

Blair: I cant even pronounce the one they put me with. Joanne Paul-ne-a-zek.

[Jo and Mrs. Garrett enter.]

Blair: I hope she brings along an interpreter to help me with that name.

[Blair and Natalie laugh.]

Jo: Its Polneazeck.
Blair: You?
Jo: [indicating fist] And I got youre interpreter right here. No body jokes about my name.
Blair: You know they really dont have to. Theres enough laughs in the way you act.
Mrs. Garrett: [stepping in between them] Would you girls care for a bowl of Meow Mix? Natalie, show Jo a better place to park her motorcycle, huh?
Jo: Why dont I just park it on Blairs face?

[Jo and Natalie begin to leave. Natalie turns around.]

Natalie: Shes a breath of fresh air, isnt she.
Blair: This must be an unlucky day for Geminis. For me to get stuck with Sheryl Thug.

[Blair sits on the couch.]

Mrs. Garrett: Luck had nothing to do with it. Im the one who suggested it.
Blair: Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were my friend. How could you?
Mrs. Garrett: Because youre very special.

[Mrs. Garrett sits with her.]

Blair: Well.
Mrs. Garrett: And so is Jo.
Blair: Her? Special? At what, mud wrestling?
Mrs. Garrett: Shes very bight. Oh, she did really well on her entrance exams.
Blair: That things a breeze. I got a 96 on it.
Mrs. Garrett: She got a 98. Jo was doing really great in public schools until her dad left a couple of years ago. That when her problems began. He mother had to work double shifts, and Jo met a boy who got her into trouble.

[Blair gives her a look.]

Mrs. Garrett: Not that kind of trouble. Truancy. Staying out till all hours, cutting class.
Blair: Great. And I get to be her keeper.
Mrs. Garrett: Her friend, Blair. You know, Ive always felt that when someone has their act together, they ought to help someone who doesnt.
Blair: I dont know...
Mrs. Garrett: Oh come on, Blair. She could lean so much from you. Youre hearted, compassionate, sensitive. Oh lets face it, Blair. Youre just about perfect in every way.
Blair: What can I say? When youre right, youre right.

Scene Two

(Int. Mrs. Garretts Bedroom)

[Mrs. Garrett enters with crushed flowers. Jo enters behind her.]

Jo: Really, Im sorry I smashed your flowers. Here, you want to use some of my electric tape on those daisies?
Mrs. Garrett: [laughs] Oh, no thanks, honey. Oh and by the way, they were marigolds.
Jo: Right, marigolds. What do I know about flowers? I my neighborhood the state flower is asphalt.

[Jo looks around.]

Jo: Not a bad place you got.
Mrs. Garrett: Well thank you.
Jo: Id rather even be with you than with Blairse in snobo city.
Mrs. Garrett: But its good to live with new people. Thats what school life is all about.
Jo: But shes not for real. Shes a Barbie doll. I mean, you wind her up and she says, I Love you, to herself.
Mrs. Garrett: Dont jump to conclusions about Blair. You dont even know her.

[Blair enters.]

Blair: Hi. Am I interrupting anything?
Mrs. Garrett: Oh no. Come in, come in. Uh, I have to check the dinner menu. Besides, you two roommies must have millions of things to talk about.

[Mrs. Garrett nudges Blair and exits.]

Blair: So, I hope youre going to stay. Im sure well make great roommates. [fake smile]
Jo: Mrs. Garretts been working on ya, huh?
Blair: Okay, Mrs. Garrett did say a few words in passing. But it was only to remind me of that Eastland spirit.
Jo: And whats that? Slumming builds character?
Blair: No, its honesty. Look, Im not saying youre my idea of the perfect roommate. Thatd be Prince Charles.
Jo: Yeah? Well you dont win any popularity contests with me neither.
Blair: Good. I see we agree on something.
Jo: Yeah. That and Im wearing last years jeans.
Blair: I apologize for that remark. I admit I sometimes do pay a bit too much attention to fashion.

[Blair looks in the mirror and tosses her hair. Jo comes over to her.]

Jo: You mean not enough.
Blair: How about it? You wanna try bunking together for a while?
Jo: Well, it wouldnt kill me. Okay. My jeans are kinda old and ripped.
Blair: Whats the difference? My Jordashes [SP] are your Jordashes.
Jo: Oh thanks. You mean you dont mind me taking them in?

[Arnold and Tootie enter.]

Arnold: And this is where me and Mrs. Garrett bunk together. [to Jo and Blair] Uh, excuse me, this room is taken, youre going to have to see the manager.
Tootie: Hi, Blair. I havent met your new roommate.
Arnold: Uh let me do the honors. Tootie, new roommate, bye-bye.
Tootie: Oh Arnold are you leaving? Good, us girls can have some girl talk.
Arnold: Now howd that happen?
Tootie: Bye, Arnold, Its been fun seeing you.

[They shake hands.]

Arnold: You touched my hand. Ill never wash it again.
Tootie: Thats sweet Arnold.
Arnold: No big deal though. I wasnt going to wash it anyway. Later baby. Willis told me to say that. [winks] Thats mine.

[Arnold exits.]

Tootie: [to Jo] Hi. Im Tootie.
Jo: Hi. Jo. Sorry if I spoiled things with you and your boyfriend.
Tootie: Boyfriend? Please! Im only helping Arnold through his delusions of maturity.
Jo: So what do you do for men around here?

[Natalie enters.]

Natalie: Just in time for the good stuff.

[She sits.]

Natalie: Blair, tell her about Bates Academy. Preppy heaven.
Blair: Its our brother school. Its only a mile away. Ill fix you up.
Jo: Give me a break, huh. Im talking about men, not high school boys.
Blair: These arent boys. I happen to be dating a senior who happens to be 19.
Tootie: Hes slow but cute.

[Tootie sits with Natalie.]

Jo: Youre going to make the perfect roommate. Ill take the men, and you can have their little brothers.
Natalie: OHHH!
Blair: Not that this is worth discussing, but since we are roommates and being so frank and honest. There isnt a man around who wouldnt prefer a Rolls Royce to a motorbike.
Tootie: This is gunna get goooood.
Jo: You know, you are kind of like a Rolls Royce hood ornament. But guys dont dig little angels dipped in chrome.
Tootie: Did I lie?
Blair: Fortunately for you we dont move in the same circle, or I could show you which one of us a real man would go for.
Tootie: Oh itd be easy to show her Blair. At the Chug-A-Lug bar at the highway. Its just loaded with college guys.
Jo: Perfect.
Blair: [a little mad] Thanks, Tootie.
Tootie: Dont mention it.
Blair: Listen, Id go in a minute. But we can get into the bar. Were both underage and they ask for Ids.
Jo: So? Well give em Ids.

[Jo pulls out her wallet and shows Blair.]

Blair: Youre not 18. That Id is faked.
Jo: Yeah. I do beautiful work dont I? And I always carry a spare that I can fake for you. Alls I need is a picture. Its simple.
Blair: Simple for you, but my goodness. Which picture will I use?

[She reaches into her purse and pulls out a wallet and a
long thing of pictures falls out.]

Blair: This ones nice. Im smiling without being too toothy. [looks at another picture] Ah, this ones at the height of my tan, coconut oil. No this is it. This is it. Im wearing my sizzling pink lip quencher. Oh I dont know, this ones pretty marvelous...
Jo: WHO CARES?! Is it a deal or isnt it?
Blair: Its a deal.

[They shake hands. Mrs. Garrett enters and sees them shaking.]

Mrs. Garrett: Oh good. Then you decided to room together?
Tootie: Theyre going to do all kinds of things together.
Mrs. Garrett: Great. Im willing to bet that before long, theyll be double dating.
Natalie: Bet, bet.
Blair: I think wed better be getting back to the dorm.

[They all say good bye and the girls leave.]

Mrs. Garrett: Wonderful to have you back. See you later. [She closes her door.] Kids. They fight. But when they make up, its worth it. [She looks at her bend flowers] Ugh.

Scene Three

(Int. Dining Hall)

[Tootie and Natalie enter. Jo and Blair follow behind them.]

Jo: Well sneak out tonight after dinner, okay?
Blair: Okay.
Tootie: Yeah. well be ready.
Blair: We? Would you like to explain that.

[Natalie sits at the table.]

Tootie: Sure. See "we" is the third person plural pronoun. Me and Nat are a we, and we are going with you.

[Tootie sits.]

Blair: Hey. We cannot pass the two of you as 18.

[Blair and Jo sit with them.]
Tootie: I know that. Well spy through the window.
Natalie: Yeah. Like watching R-rated television. My first shot at voyeurism.
Blair: Absolutely not. Now just forget it.
Tootie: Okay, Blair. Its your decision. Just remember; leave me behind, you also leave my mouth.
Jo: Would she squeal?
Blair: Are you kidding? Around here shes known as speak-up America. I think we better take them.
Jo: Its okay with me.
Blair: Wait a minute. I just thought of something. We cant go through with this.
Tootie: Why not Blair?
Blair: The Chug-A-Lug Bar is 5 miles away, and Im not riding on the back of your motorbike.
Jo: Oh thats no sweat. I noticed the van parked outside.
Blair: The cafeteria van? The keys are never in it.
Jo: Who needs a key? Tonight youre going to get your first lesson in hot-wiring.
Blair: Hot-wiring? Dont be stupid, the van already has a heater.
Jo: Im talking about touching a couple of ignition wires together.
Blair: You mean steal the van?

[Jo nods.]

Tootie: Wow. This is going to be some kind of semester.

Scene Four

(Ext. Chug-A-Lug Bar)

[Blair heads up to the front door.]

Blair: The van is fine there. Would you hurry?

[Tootie and Natalie run to the window and duck down.]

Blair: Hurry up.

[Jo heads to her.]

Jo: I am hurrying. Ive never walked in 4-inch heels before.
Blair: Who told you to wear heels with jeans anyway? Very tacky.
Natalie: Boy, there are some cute guys in there. Send out the leftovers.
Blair: Im ready if you are. Why dont you go first?
Jo: Sure, unless you want to.
Blair: No, no, no. Its not that...
Tootie: Would you two stop yacking? Go in there and get some studs.


(Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar)

[Blair an Jo enter. The bouncer stops them.]

Jo: Hi.
Blair: Hi.
Bouncer: Hi.
Jo: I guess you want to see our Ids, huh?
Bouncer: Yeah, well if you want to come inside.

[Jo takes out her wallet and shows him.]

Bouncer: Okay.
Blair: Ah well, heres mine.

[Blair takes hers out of her purse and VERY quickly runs it by his face.]

Bouncer: I didnt take speed-reading.

[Blair hands it to him.]

Bouncer: Wait a minute.
Blair: Why? Whats the matter?
Bouncer: Ive never seen such a good picture on an ID before. Great tan.

[He hands it back.]

Blair: Oh. Thanks. Coconut oil.

[A man goes over to the bar. The girls check him out.]

Jo: Not bad.
Blair: Gorgeous. But Im afraid he might be a little old for you.
Jo: Are you crazy?

[They sit down beside him at the bar.]

Jo: [to the bartender] 2 brews.
Blair: One brew. Ill have a beer.
Man: Hi. Im Fred.
Blair: Hi, Blair.

[They shake.]

Jo: Jo.

[Fred gets between them and puts his arms around both of them.]

Fred: Well, now who says the beautiful ones never travel in pairs?

Scene Five

(Int. Garretts Bedroom)

[Mrs. Garrett is sitting on the bed. Arnold enters.]

Mrs. Garrett: Hey Arnold. Why the long face?
Arnold: Ive been here 6 hours and only spent 6 minutes with Tootie. At this rate Ill be ninety before we get it on.
Mrs. Garrett: Well now, we could have gone bowling together. I told you Tootie was going to be busy settling in with the other girls.
Arnold: Settling in? Those girls? Huh! Id laugh, but I made previous plans to throw up.
Mrs. Garrett: What are you talking about?

[Arnold begins pacing.]

Arnold: Those girls settle in! Theyre not even here.
Mrs. Garrett: Well where are they?
Arnold: In a fast lane enjoying life. Treating me like I was a little kid on a bike path in a kiddie-car.
Mrs. Garrett: Arnold, slow down and park it.
[She pushes him down on a chair.]
Mrs. Garrett: Now, Whats going on?
Arnold: Tootie told me you knew about it.
Mrs. Garrett: Well Ill tell you after I hear it.
Arnold: Okay. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my lobster friend Claude, making sure the cook didnt commit thermador, when all of a sudden I hear someone outside messing with the van.
Mrs. Garrett: Messing with the van? Who?
Arnold: Tootie and company. They got the motor started without a key.
Mrs. Garrett: Hot-wiring?
Arnold: You saw it on the Today Show too, huh?
Mrs. Garrett: Oh I dont believe it. They wouldnt do a thing like[she looks outside the window] Its gone!
Arnold: In 60 seconds. Give or take 20 minutes of fussing and cussing.
Mrs. Garrett: I dont believe it. Did they say where they were going?
Arnold: It was the strangest name Id ever heard. It was called the Thing-A-Majig or the Slug-A-Bug.
Mrs. Garrett: The Chug-A-Lug!
Arnold: Maybe. Thats close.

[Mrs. Garrett kisses him.]

Mrs. Garrett: Watch TV. Watch something happy.

[Mrs. Garrett takes her coat and leaves.]

Scene Six

(Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar)

Fred: So what college you girls from?

[They both say different answers.]

Fred: Ah different schools. Well let me guess. Im pretty good at this sort of thing. [to Jo] Youre easy.
Jo: Hey!
Fred: Yeah, Sure. You got last years jeans, that couldnt-be-bothered hairstyle. Just a touch of punk in those high heels. You go to Sara Lawrence, right?
Jo: Really. Right, For sure.
Fred: Now Blair here, she is much tougher to figure out.
Blair: If you only knew how many men have told me that.
Fred: You got great make-up, perfect hair-do, everything you wear is straight out of Vogue. Youre at secretarial school.
Blair: Secretarial school? Give me a break!
Fred: Then its beauty college. Im never wrong about these things, babe.
Blair: Well you happen to be wrong this time you low-class creep.
Jo: Blair, Blair. This is not the way to come onto a guy.
Blair: Have you ever heard of Warner Textile Mills?
Fred: Oh. Thats why youre so sensitive. Youre a working girl. So what do you operate, a loom or something like that?
Blair: You jerk, I own the place.


(Ext. Chug-A-Lug Bar)

[Tootie and Natalie see this confrontation through the window.]

Tootie: Uh-oh. That guys giving Blair a hard time.
Natalie: Shes freaking. He must have said something awful.
Tootie: [getting up] Im going in.
Natalie: They wont let you in there.
Tootie: Well tell them were very small Avon ladies.


(Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar)

[Tootie and Natalie enter.]

Bouncer: Hey!
Tootie: Okay turkey, what did you say to our friends?
Blair: Tootie, Natalie, get out of here.
Fred: Who are these kids?
Blair: Uh..Um..Oh, theyre my little sisters.

[Mrs. Garrett enters.]

Mrs. Garrett: Girls!
Natalie: Mrs. Garrett.
Mrs. Garrett: Will you tell me whats going on here?
Tootie: Group sleepwalking?
Mrs. Garrett: Blair, I want an explanation.
Blair: Well, Mrs. Garrett. We were just letting of some steam. You know how tough the first day of school can be. Getting settled, meeting new people
Tootie: And now comes Miller Time.
Fred: I dont think so girls. Its time for a full introduction. [He takes out a badge] Officer Scholar, Peekskill Police.
Blair: Police?
Jo: What blew our cover.
Blair: It was probably those ridiculous shoes.
Fred: Dont blame her honey. I was on your case the minute you came through the door with your fake Ids.
Mrs. Garrett: Officer, Officer. These girls are from Eastland School.

[She pulls him where they can talk more alone.]

Mrs. Garrett: Now[laughs] you know the nutty things high school kids can do.
Fred: Well Im sorry Mama. But you know sometimes a lesson at this age is just what they need. Come on you two...
Mrs. Garrett: Wait a minute! You cant just say book em and then forget it!
Fred: Lady, nobody says book em. Thats Hawaii Five-0
Mrs. Garrett: Theyre not criminals. Theyre harmless high school kids. Okay, so they sipped a little beer.
Fred: Thats an offence.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh I know it wasnt right faking their Ids.
Fred: Thats another offence.
Mrs. Garrett: But its no crime to sneak away from school. Of course to steal the school van, is a crime.
Fred: They stole the school van?
Mrs. Garrett: Borrowed! Borrowed! Dont put words in my mouth.

[We hear tires squeal and a loud crash.]

Mrs. Garrett: By the way girls, where is the van?
Blair: Dont worry Mrs. Garrett, Im sure that wasnt it.
Jo: Yeah. We parked it real carefully right outside.
Fred: Hey thats no street. Thats a one way alley.
Tootie: We are in troubleeeee.
Fred: Harmless high school girls? Ha! I got to take these two in before they do anymore damage.
Mrs. Garrett: Wait you cant do that, its entrapment.
Natalie: Leave my friends alone.

[Natalie pushes him.]

Tootie: Yeah, creep!

[Tootie pours beer over his head.]

Fred: All right! Thats it! Im going to put you all in jail. Lets get going!



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