The Facts of Life "Golden Oldies" Episode #196
(Tootie Reading from Book)
Tootie: The quality of mercy is not strained; it drops if as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is
twice blessed, it bless of him that give
Natalie: Anybody got a stamp?
Tootie: And Hit the takes.
Natalie: Im making my yearly contribution, to my retirement fund.
Tootie: Now how can you think about retirement, your birth certificate is still wet?
Blair: I think Natalie is being very sensible, for a person in her situation.
Natalie: What situation is that?
Beverly Ann: Dont you ever wonder what youll all be doing in your golden years? When I was a little girl, I used to think
about it all the time.
Tootie: Wouldnt it be a hoot, if we all retired to together, right here in the same house?
Natalie: Great idea Tootie, that way we can end are adult lives the way we began, getting on each others nerves.
Beverly Ann: Oh Nonsense, you would have matured, and all those little petty differences would be washed away, in the
wisdom of your new found tolerance and understanding.
Blair: Lovely thought.
Beverly Ann: Its a leftover from my divorce, Im so happy to find a use for it.
Jo: No way can I see myself still living with you guys.
Beverly Ann: Dont be so sure, stranger things have happened, who knows what the future has in store for any of us.
(Camera zooms into Beverly Anns Theres No Place like Home knitting)
(Camera zooms out from the knitting now with a passage below Years Later)
(The future Jo walks down the stairs)
Jo: Oh, 98.6, God Im dying.
(Tootie walks through the front door with a long feathered overcoat along with a basket of flowers)
Tootie: Look, come and see what I gathered this fine day my delphiniums are blooming and each eagle blossom bequests delinquent
fragile essence, to the tall of ganjas.
Jo: Ah, Shut up.
Tootie: Neil Simon didnt tell me to shut up, when he pleaded with me to co-star in his all-black, all-female, podium of
the odd couple.
Jo: Perfect casting, your female, black, and odd.
Tootie: I know you dont mean to hurt me Jo, thats you pain talking, the pain that Harold caused you, when he dumped you,
for a younger prettier, firmer and all around sweeter girl.
Jo: Ah, shut up.
(Blair walks from the side of the room with a plump pink dress with white hair and wrinkles under her eyes).
Blair: Im glad youre home, I am positively at my wits end, and I had a most frightful morning.
Jo: Been looking in the mirror again?
Blair: At least my reflection appears in it.
(Blair pulls out a Banana from her chest)
Blair: Know I met this most very attractive gentleman, at the fruit and produce section at Tiffanys and when I innocently
hollered out my phone number, he didnt write it down.
Jo: Blair, its time you accept the facts that youre not a winsome beauty anymore, none of us is.
Blair: Yes, but you had your whole life to adjust to that facts, this is something so very new for me, I might have to
do something about it.
(Tootie is holding flowers and walking)
Tootie: I wouldnt Blair, after a certain age, its not wise to have cosmetic surgery.
Blair: I never resort to that. (Touches her hair)
Jo: Why not, I think you should let those doctors do it, until they get it right.
Blair: This is my real everything. (Touches face)
Beverly Ann: Comin
(Beverly Ann walks from the shop with a red vest and a bun in her hair, along with a hutched over back with wrinkles and
Beverly Ann: No, no, no, no, no.
(Audience starts to roar with laughter and applause)
Beverly Ann: I said Id get it, and I didnt get it, what exactly was I gonna get?
(Door bell rings)
Beverly Ann: Oh, right the telephone!
(Beverly Ann picks the receiver)
Beverly Ann: Hello?
(Tootie opens the door while Natalie waits outside)
(Natalie walks in with a long red dress coated in flowers, and a long French pony-tail running down her back, and a very
Tootie: Natalie! Oh, look everyone its Natalie!
Natalie: Throw me a favor, and forget the nicety, Im in a foul move.
(Natalie sets her typewriter down on a table)
Natalie: What a dump, what is this place? A place where old furniture comes to die?
Jo: Well, It aint much, but its all we got.
Tootie: Jo, cant you see? Natalie comes here in state of agitation.
Natalie: Agitation, my highney, my own daughter let her husband talk her into kicking me out of their home, you think
a child of mine, would have the spunk to stand up to a man, its what I get for naming her Tootie.
(Tootie stands theyre surprised and mad)
Beverly Ann: (still on telephone thinking the door bell was the phone) Well, if youre just going to sit there and hum,
Im going to hang up.
Tootie: Darling there is no one on the phone its Natalie, shes here.
Natalie: Hi, Beverly Ann, nice to see you.
(Beverly Ann hugs Natalie)
Natalie: Its meNatalie
Beverly Ann: Natalie, next time you phone, you better say something!
Jo: So Nat, what are you planning on doing?
Natalie: Oh, I thought I spend my final days with the friends who love and understand me.
Tootie: Oh, wheres that?
Natalie: Here! You Ninny.
Tootie: Here! Oh, Here! Oh absolutely excellent, you want to live here!
Natalie: Why not, didnt you guys get back together to keep each other company, and to split the household expenses?
Jo: Nah, no one else would have us.
Tootie: Well, we have the room, this is a big house.
Beverly Ann: This house, theres something about this house, Im spose to remember.
Blair: (Looking into make-up mirror) we know Beverly Ann, youve been saying that for over a year now.
Natalie: Well, is it okay if live here with you guys?
Tootie: Beverly Ann, is it alright if Natalie lives with us?
Beverly Ann: Just a minute, Ill ask her (Picks up phone) Natalie can you come to live with us?
(Scene switched into the Kitchen while everybody is eating breakfast)
Tootie: (flips around) anyone, want another piece of cheesecake?
Blair: (Walks toward table while holding cereal) Not me, thank you, I want to keep my girlish figure.
Jo: Yeah? Where are you keeping it?
Blair: It just so happens that the manager down at the bank says that I have the body of a forty year old woman.
Natalie: Well, bring it back, cause its getting all wrinkled.
(Natalie nudges Jo)
Beverly Ann: Whens Natalie going to arrive?
Natalie: Im here Beverly Ann, have some cheesecake.
Beverly Ann: No thank you, Ill just have some cheesecake.
Natalie: How are your kids Jo?
Jo: Oh, theyre doing great, Betty Lous with the S.W.A.T team, and Juniors doing construction withwould you pardon the
Natalie: Oh, Jo, Im sorry to hear what happened between you and Harold.
Jo: No, its not the first time; an old turkey ran off with a young chick named Bambi.
Natalie: What kind of a stupid name is Bambi?
(Tootie swings around the table)
Tootie: Its the past-tense of Bimbo.
Tootie: Thank God, my husband never left me by another one, Jeff did they right thing and died.
Beverly Ann: Thats a terrible thing dear, you know, Tooties husband died.
(Tootie drops her head helplessly)
Jo: Well, Ill be damned if Im going to feel sorry for myself.
Blair: Jos right, bitterness over divorce, only eats away at your beauty.
Natalie: Ah, so thats how it happened.
(Girls laugh and Jo nudges Natalie)
Blair: All seven of my divorces, were very friendly, its the marriages that were bitter.
(Blair grabs the cheesecake into her lap all to herself)
Beverly Ann: Coming!
Blair: Ill get it Beverly Ann, just incase its something we need to know right away, like the house is on fire.
(Blair gets up and sets down the cheesecake)
Beverly Ann: Which house? Theres something about this house, Im suppose to remember.
(Tootie pats Beverly Anns back)
(Door bell rings once again)
(Blair reaches for the door)
Blair: Why, Andy.
(Andy walks in, in a tuxedo, with a sophisticated look on his face)
Andy: Hi Blair. (Andy kisses Blairs hand) just thought I stop by to see how Beverly Anns coming along.
Blair: Beverly Ann, Its Andy.
(Blair opens the cover to the piano keys uncovering a large hot-dog Blair chows down)
Blair: Take a seat Andy.
(Natalie runs in from the kitchen)
Natalie: Andy, I havent seen you for years.
Andy: Natalie, what a pleasant surprise.
Natalie: When did you grow a mustache?
Andy: Oh, about a year ago, when did you grow yours?
Natalie: Thats our Andy, never changes, still is short.
Jo: Andys the mayor of Peekskill now.
Natalie: I dont care hes still short.
(Tootie directs Beverly Ann to Andy making sure she turns in the right direction)
Beverly Ann: Theres my Andy Wandy.
(They hug each other)
Andy: Hi Beverly Ann.
Beverly Ann: Oh
Tootie: So what brings you by?
Andy: Well, this is the last day; I thought you might need some help with the house.
Jo: What kind of help, with the house?
Andy: Oh, you know the usual, packing, moving, like that.
Tootie: What do you mean packing and moving?
Andy: Cmon you know, this house is being torn down tomorrow.
(Tootie shakes her head in a backward motion)
Beverly Ann: I have them right here, in the drawer, oh, I found the cat.
Tootie: But why does the city want to tear it down?
Andy: To make wave for an 18 story high-rise cemetery.
Tootie: A high-rise cemetery?
Andy: Its the wave of the future, and when the people of Peekskill see me taking this kind of leadership roll, well, I
should be a shoe-in for governor.
(Blair starts eating pizza on the couch)
Blair: But Andy, why would you want to tear this place down? Its the house you grew up in.
Andy: Have you seen the governors mansion?
Andy: Look, I have a meeting at the city council, so relax, take your time packing, the bulldozers wont be here until
9AM tomorrow morning, chow!
(Andy walks outside)
Tootie: Blair, you got can stop this condensation, buy a judge.
(Jo is checking her heart-rate to check if she is close to dying)
Jo: Blair, you got tons of money of influence nows your time to use it.
Blair: I cant (Takes a bite from a candy-bar)
Jo: You mean you wont.
Blair: (Stands up) No, I mean I cant, the truth is, Im flat busted (pauses)
Natalie: Well, I see them looking better, but I can hardly call them flat.
Beverly Ann: She means, shes broke, tapped out, zilch city.
Blair: All that alimony I had to pay, I filed for bankruptcy years ago.
Jo: How have youve been supporting yourself?
Blair: I get money every week, from an orphanage in Korea.
Tootie: Then were doomed.
Blair: Now dont worry anybody; I wasnt a top corporate lawyer for nothing, I may not have the money, but I still know
how to obstruct justice, Ive filed so many injunctions, they wont go near this place.
Jo: You really want to keep people away from here, stand outside with your robe open.
(Blair gets herself together)
(Scene changes by the dinner table)
(Blair is packing a basket, Jo arranger her wig)
Jo: Well, this is it, moving day.
Blair: Weve done everything we could and nothings helped.
Natalie: Guess its the end of the four musketeers.
(Tootie is upstairs dressed in a leopard print dress, and enters dramatically)
(Tootie bursts into a speech)
Tootie: Its not fair, we never bothered anyone, we just wanted to live out are remaining days, and familiar surroundings,
in an atmosphere of love and support, I say if theres justice in this world, this isnt it!!!
(Girls start clapping)
(Tootie starts walking downstairs)
Tootie: Thank you, thank you that was Fajitas farewell speech from a farewell to farewell. Just before she shot herself
at her farewell dinner.
(Tootie carries down a hat box)
Beverly Ann: Coming!
Jo: I dont think theres enough time left on the planet for that one.
(Jo opens the door finding her ex husband at the door)
Harold: Hi beautiful.
(Jo slams the door on his face)
Tootie: Jo, wasnt that your ex husband?
Jo: If you mean the man who dumped me for a girl whose towel says, his, hers, and next, yes.
(Doorbell rings one more time)
Beverly Ann: Hold you horses, Im coming!
Blair: Well, for one thing hes a man!
(Blair heads for the door)
Blair: Why, Harold, what a surprise!
Jo: What do you want luster head.
(Blair scans Harold)
(Beverly Ann opens the door)
Beverly Ann: Theres nobody here!
Jo: Well, buzz off before I put your support hose over you head!
Harold: Please Jo; dont get me all excited, I just want to talk in private.
Jo: Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of my friends.
Harold: I want us to get back together.
Jo: Did your brain fall out with you hair?
Harold: Jo, I made a mistake do you want to crucify me for it?
Jo: Not if someone can think of a more painful death.
Harold: Thats my girl!
Tootie: Jo, at least listen to him.
Blair: Shes right, a man is hard to find.
(Harold gets on his knees)
Harold: Please just listen to what I have to say, Im sorry, Im lonely.
Harold: Im stuck.
Jo: Cmon in the kitchen Harold.
(Scene moves onto the kitchen)
(Jo is drinking medicine)
Jo: Alright, Harold, say your piece and get out.
Harold: Please, come back.
Jo: No, I dont know.
Harold: Well, give it a shot! I mean you gotta go some place; theyre tearing this place down.
Jo: How do you know that?
Harold: Ah (mutters) I just knew.
Jo: Somethings fishy here, you wait a minute, youre in the construction business, what do you know about this house being
Harold: Nothing, (pauses) only what I read in my contract, to demolish it.
Jo: Once a home wrecker, always a home wrecker. (Moves chair)
Harold: Jo, Im not simple destroying, Im building the high-rise cemetery; Im creating better living conditions for the
Jo: Ill tell you what Harold, when you finish building that cemetery, Ill help you move in!
(Jo walks into the other room Harold follows)
Harold: Does this mean you still love me?
Beverly Ann: Coming!
Natalie: Beverly Ann welloh what the hell its are last torah.
(Beverly Ann opens the door)
Beverly Ann: Oh its the runt.
(Andy walks in)
Andy: Well, mom its moving day, bright if you find food.
(Harold walks towards Beverly Ann and Andy)
Harold: Wait a minute, Mayor Andy, before you kick them out, I have a plan to save the house, and still build the high-rise.
Tootie: You do, oh; damn fortune has finally sat on our lives.
Natalie: Whats the plan?
Harold: Its simple; we keep the house, and build the high-rise up over and around it.
(Blair pulls out a box of chocolates)
Blair: You mean, well be living underneath the cemetery?
Jo: Suppose I can get close to dead people; be kind of like our honeymoon.
Harold: But theres a price, you want to save the house you have to come back to me.
Jo: Harold, I wouldnt comeback to you if I was a fly and you were the last garbage can on earth (pauses) which you happen
Harold: It is any wonder I cant live without you?
Jo: Then die Harold.
Harold: Well, how are you going to face your friends when theyre living in a one bedroom hefty-bag!
Jo: Well, I guess you got me by the twist ties.
Tootie: Jo, dont do it for it is better to die a thousand noble deaths, then to spend one day in a life of shame.
Natalie: (points finger) Harold if you think were going to let Jo go back with you, youve got prep lock rolling along
in you noggin.
Blair: Dont do it Jo, Ill make the sacrifice (stands up) (touches Harold) Ill marry Harold!
Harold: I dont think so Blair, lets just say your money isnt the only thing thats gone south.
Blair: Harold, youre not much of a gentleman (pauses) I like that in a man.
Harold: Okay Mayor Andy, let the wrecking begin!
(Andy waves goodbye to Harold)
Andy: Hey, rock n roll, this house is history.
(Beverly Ann sits down in her chair)
Beverly Ann: This house, theres something about this house Im suppose to remember,
(House gives a quick shake)
Beverly Ann: Oh well, it cant be too important.
(Camera zooms into Beverly Anns knitting)
(Everybody is back in the present)
Tootie: I cant believe we would imagine such a bleak future for ourselves.
Beverly Ann: We were just having a fun time day-dreaming.
Blair: More like hallucinating, I mean what could be farther than reality than some man actually marrying Jo.
Jo: Me, living with you, years from now.
Beverly Ann: Its about ridiculous; I could never be that forgetful, now where are my glasses?
(Natalie moves them from the top of her head down to her eyes)
Tootie: Well, if anything, all of this fantasizing, should help us appreciate what we all got now, were all together,
and whatever the future holds for us, Im sure well all digest upon.
(Tootie smiles girls clap)
Natalie: You said it Tootie, just remind me never to name any children after you.
Jo: Oh, come on Natalie; dont tell me youre taking it seriously.
Tootie: Hey, I dont know about her, but Im going to call Jeff tonight, make sure hes taking his vitamins.
Jo: What is this; a group stupid, Beverly Ann is you the only one that agrees with me and if so, where is the fight in
Beverly Ann: Now Jo, they just got a bit more into it than you and I.
(Beverly Ann gets up)
(Andy runs in with his books)
Andy: Hey everybody, great news. Ive been asked to run for class president, I may have a career in politics.
Beverly Ann: Sure go ahead, live in the governors mansion, while your poor mother sleeps in the storm drain, (pauses)
what am I saying?
Andy: Youre asking me?
(Beverly Ann smiles and hugs Andy)
Jo: Sit quietly everyone that could be the men in the white coats, now.
(Jo answers the door)
[Harold] Man: Oh excuse me, Im late for a wedding and Im lost, could you tell me how to get to St. Anthonys of Sienna?
(Shuts door on him)
(Freeze Frame, credits roll)